“I want coercive, not violent, CNC. I’ve been craving it. I don’t want you to fight and scratch and scream. I want you to be reluctant, shy, and quiet. I want to abuse our power differential, I want to use your sense of embarrassment for my benefit. I want to touch you, first a little, then more, and no matter what you object I just gradually take more of what I want. Gently, intently, and until I’m fully satisfied. We both won’t tell anyone, will we? It’ll be our little secret. It’s just the tip, after all. 🤫” says a 39-year-old man anonymously on a Reddit community where more than 50K people are seeking partners so that they can practice consensual non-consent.
The CNC Kink, A.K.A. rape play, is controversial – a kink where two people practice sexual encounters emulating rape.
Yep, sounds controversial already, right? Stay tuned to find out more.
The CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) Kink: The Kink Shrouded In Fear And Misconception
Are you turned on by the idea that your partner might pine you down to your bed while you are helplessly struggling under them, squirming to get away? Do you fantasize about sex that’s primal, sex that’s aggressive, sex that’s wild?
If you are already hot and bothered reading this, then chances are you are into the controversial CNC kink – yep, consensual non-consent!
Having hot fantasies that make you feel like you have no control – A.K.A getting forced ‘against your will’ even though you are enjoying every second of it – means that you are very much into this really common kink.
And yes, the CNC kink is quite common…but we will talk about that one later.
What Is Consensual Non-Consent? What Is The CNC Kink?
The whole concept of CNC sexual encounters understandably elicits different visceral reactions in people who do not enjoy it or even know anything about the same. Plus, a majority of the controversies are shrouded in misinformation and misconception.
There is so much planning that, in reality, goes into the whole CNC scene – look at CNC participants as actors playing roles and exploring different desires that are not really fine outside the fantasy world.
In this context, Sabitha Pillai-Friedman (PhD.) is an AASECT-certified sex therapist – she is also an Associate Professor at the Center for Human Sexuality Studies (at Widener University) said to Cosmopolitan,
“Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is a form of roleplay that two or more people engage in that emulates some form of forced activity. It can be sexual or non-sexual.”
You cannot really confuse CNC sex with ‘rape play,’ although both terms share some similarities. CNC is a pretty broad term that encompasses different aspects of a dom-sub relationship. Rape play, on the other hand, describes only one type of kink or roleplay.
Regardless of any difference, neither of the terms means ‘anything goes’ – enthusiastic consent and clear communication must be at the forefront of any sexual encounter.
In this context, Pillai-Friedman also notes,
“The most important guiding principles of CNC are mutual consent between participants, clear negotiation of expectations, and explicit discussion of each other’s hard and soft limits.”
Understanding The CNC Kink:
Now you have some clarity on the actual CNC meaning – hopefully.
People who have the CNC kink like different aspects of the same – understand it is not just about some aggressive encounter or physical violence – though these elements do play a huge part in the pleasure of the same.
It is about giving up control if you are submissive in bed and exerting control if you are dominant in bed.
It’s about doing something rather than indulging in some activities you otherwise would not get involved in when you do not have any say over the entire matter.
For instance, the anonymous user on Reddit wants CNC roleplay but without any brutality – then again, this is not always the scene. Some people, like another user (a 35-year-old man) in the same Reddit community, want to “slap you around, spit on your face, drag you around by the hair.”
When we talked with multiple people about their CNC fetish, every individual stressed the necessity for both participants to cooperate when it comes to doing things that were not agreed upon beforehand, as well as their expectations from experience.
What Does CNC In Bed Look Like?
So, what is CNC in bed? Rather, what does CNC look like in bed?
Perhaps, the most well-known SNC scenarios include sexual encounters that you have explored already or just heard about, even if you are very new to any kind of consensual non-consent.
If you ask what is CNC sex, understand the use of restraints and blindfolds, flogging, forced sex, bondage, edging, orgasm denial, and even forced orgasm are perhaps some of the most popular ways of practicing the CNC kink.
In this context, Tim Woodman, APAC board member, and adult performer told Cosmopolitan,
“CNC scenarios can be as simple as a person suddenly putting a hand over their partner’s as they make frightened protest sounds during sex. Maybe one person holds the other down a little more firmly, or the other weakly pushes as if trying to get free.”
He further added,
“might involve a staged break-in with ski masks and even fake weapons, or blindfolding someone and putting them in a van and taking them to another location like a hotel or the woods.”
Additionally, Woodman also warns that just because someone enjoys CNC BDSM or is into extreme scenarios such as ‘orchestrated kidnapping’ does not mean that the general public is okay with viewing your fantasy play out.
These people can very well attempt to interfere or even contact the police if they do end up witnessing something that actually turns out to be non-consensual from the outside.
How Common Are CNC Fantasies?
While the CNC kink might sound like a taboo, it is actually a pretty common kink. A study published in 2009 mentioned how CNC kinks are so much more common in women – the work was known as Journal of Sex Research, and it mentioned how a solid 62% of women report having CNC fantasies, and that too multiple times in a single year.
Although the CNC kink is pretty common amongst heterosexual women, research shows that these fantasies are not necessarily exclusive to the heterosexual female population.
Cosmopolitan mentioned how Justin Lehmiller (PhD., Kinsey Institute research fellow + host of a podcast called ‘Sex and Psychology’) surveyed around 4175 American residents for his book called ‘Tell Me What You Want’ about their fantasies. Subsequently, he found out that these fantasies are pretty common across different genders and their sexuality.
Lehmiller further mentioned how 61% of women accepted that they have fantasized about the CNC kink before, as compared to 54% of men and a solid 68% of people identifying as non-binary.
Why Are These Fantasies So Common?
While it is pretty difficult to speculate why anyone gets turned on by different sexual acts, it is so much harder to find out a specific reason that actually applies to anyone who happens to be into something different, like BDSM CNC.
Experts hailing from the sexuality niche, however, are able to identify a few reasons why people might just be attracted to the CNC kink.
In this context, Lehmiller says,
“These fantasies are not about a desire to be raped or assaulted in the real world, so let’s dispense with that idea. For some, it’s about a broader interest in BDSM and taking on a submissive and, sometimes, masochistic role.”
Meanwhile, for others,
“it’s about a desire to be desired—to be with a partner who is so intensely attracted to you that they can’t control themselves. For yet others, it may be more about the intensity of the experience" - according to Lehmiller.
Additionally, Pillai-Friedman notes how the forbidden or even the controversial nature of the CNC kink can also be a good reason behind its appeal. In this context, she said to Cosmopolitan,
“In most societies, people (women and queer folks specifically) are denied most sexual freedoms—the freedom to fantasize, to self-pleasure, to seek and experience a variety of sexual pleasures with partners of their choice. Force fantasy in the form of CNC may be a way for sexually oppressed people to overcome sexual guilt and restrictive sexual scripts imposed upon them.”
At the same time, you cannot ignore how people in different positions of power in their real lives might enjoy the experience or, rather, the dichotomy of playing the role of someone submissive in bed.
Pillai-Friedman agrees and adds,
“Giving up control and submitting to a dom may offer a refreshing way to relinquish their power and enjoy varied sensations and acts that bring excitement.”
How To Safely Practice Consensual Non-Consent?
When you are negotiating a CNC encounter, it is vital to find out how the fantasy is going to be enacted, what boundaries need to be established, and, of course, how the encounter will end if any participant changes their mind or even need a break.
While doing so, do not forget about discussing safe words – ‘Green’ can stand for ‘keep doing whatever you are doing,’ ‘Red’ can stand for ‘stop,’ and ‘Yellow’ can stand for ‘slow down.’
Woodman further suggests that it is always better to start slow and keep all channels of communication open throughout – that way, you can minimize both the emotional and physical risks.
“Always check in with each other, either with safe words or other non-verbal cues that can let you know if things are going wrong. There’s a big difference between enjoying a roller coaster thrill and an actual high-speed freeway chase!”
What Would Aftercare Look Like Following A CNC Scene?
Aftercare post a CNC encounter can be a great idea – it does not matter how kinky you are planning to be, but it is vital simply because of how emotionally and physically demanding CNC role play can be.
Your CNC aftercare could definitely look like giving your partner reassurance about how they are respected and safe within the relationship sharing certain moments that you actually enjoyed during sex or even some good ol’ fashioned cuddling.
How To Bring Up The Idea Of Trying CNC With Your Partner?
It doesn’t matter what your gender is, but fantasizing about the CNC kink can end up adding novelty as well as excitement to your relationships.
But at the same time, you have to remember that CNC relationships need a whole lot of communication, mutual respect, and, most importantly, trust.
In this context, Pillai-Friedman told Cosmopolitan,
“Partners can begin by expressing a wish to add more novelty, mystery, and excitement to their sex life. Then they can discuss a few fantasies that they are comfortable sharing with each other.”
Ultimately, it is vital to know that CNC arises from a desire to enjoy heightened sensations by either enforcing control or giving it up. The best part? Your sexual fantasies can help you to find out more about connection, discovery, and creativity.
This is precisely why it is okay to explore the CNC kink as long as consent has been established.
The CNC Kink In Fiction: Pop-Culture’s Ode To CNC!
Welcome to the Dating Dairy’s exclusive bonus section – let’s talk CNC romance books and films to check out if erotica turns you on!
The CNC Romance Books You Need To Read Right Now:
The CNC romance books you need to read right now are as follows,
- Still Beating (by Jennifer Hartmann),
- Little Bird Lost (by Jessie Walker),
- Pennies (by Pepper Winters),
- Ecstasy (by K.V. Rose),
- Debt (by Nina G. Jones),
- Willing Victim (by Cara McKenna),
- Blackwood (by Celia Aaron),
- Asking For It (by Lilah Pace),
- Desperate Measures (by Katee Robert), and
- Bait (by Jade West).
The CNC Films To Watch Right Now:
If the CNC urban dictionary definition has interested you enough, then some examples from fiction can only help you find out more about the CNC kink. Scroll down to find out the CNC films to watch right now!
- 50 Shades Of Grey,
- Atonement,
- 365 Days,
- After,
- Cruel Intentions,
- Eyes Wide Shut,
- Call Me By Your Name,
- Duck Butter,
- The Handmaiden,
- Bound,
- Indecent Proposal,
- Basic Instinct,
- Nymphomaniac,
- Stealing Beauty, and
- Take This Waltz.
It’s Okay If You Are A Little Kinky, As Long As You Are Being Consensual!
You don’t need to feel sorry and ask, ‘Why do I have a CNC kink?’ – it’s not a bad thing. Kinks are common, but talking about the same is not. But that’s an outdated approach – the purpose? To be sex-positive about your desires and kinks. As long as you are consensual about your kinks, you are good to go!
So, tell us, what are your thoughts on the CNC kink? And while sharing your thoughts, if you have experiences you can share, feel free to do so in the comments below.
